Eulogy For My Memories

I got a call from Karthik a few weeks back and we talked for a long time reminiscing the past that we both promised never to forget. There were many incidences, people and 'stuffs' involved in that conversation. I was surprised to find that I have forgotten numerous 'stuffs' and people I should have remembered. It just got worse when I realized that I had forgotten a lot many things about myself too. For example, according to Karthik, I was good at playing with marbles and we both partnered together and made a fortune defeating others in the game. Now when I look back, I cannot see myself playing marbles at all. I cannot even recall the rules of the game. This conversation left me with a sense of loss and restlessness as it raised many questions in my mind about the importance of any day of my life, if I am not going to remember them at all. Like any other normal person, my days can be characterized as fun, dull, sad, exciting etc. Though, there are numerous moments that I wish, I had never lived, still, I do not want to forget them. But, this conversation led to a realization that hit me so hard that felt compelled to write about it.

Since the earliest time, I have had problem remembering 'stuffs'. As a student, I could never remember what I had studied the night before exams. I had always blamed this disability of mine to hamper learning during those days and at times even now. I still forget paying bills on time and very consistently pay the fines. For this reason I consciously avoid periodic bills where ever possible. But it doesn't mean that I don't have memories of the past. My earliest memory of myself goes back to Barrackpore, near Calcutta, sometime between 1985 and 1987. My parents took us to a Durga Pooja pandal and I can vividly remember my mother carrying my younger brother in one arm while I was holding onto the other arm. I recall the colorful carnival with flying horses, giant wheel, dust filled pathways, busy railway tracks and incense smoke in the atmosphere. The last thing I remember of the day is of us going back home on a crowded local train. My palms were getting sweaty and everytime the train stopped at a station, I felt that I will lose grip and will be pushed out of the train and get separated from my mother. I can still recall that fear.

This incidence happened so long ago that it feels like a dream now. Most of my memories of the past feels like a dream when I try to recall them. After the conversation with Karthik about marbles, I had a dream of my village. This is where I went to the local shop and bought 5 marbles which costed me 5 paise each. This was followed by game against local boys where I won around 10-15 marbles. The next thing I remember of the dream is hiding those marbles in a earthen pot besides the window in a room of our house in the village. There is a mystical part of my subconsciousness which tells me that this was more than a dream and if I go back to the same room in the village I will find the loot in the earthen pot hidden beside the window. I haven't been in that room for almost 12-15 years, for the matter of fact, I don't know if anyone else has been inside that room for this long. For what we know, the whole house has become haunted and people have claimed to see weird 'stuffs' near the house. All this makes the trip to my village even more exciting.

From these instances I have come to realize that I suffer from a neurotic condition (Alzheimer's first stage?? *shiver*) where it has become impossible for me to determine conscious experiences just based on memory. Obviously, I know that the current experience (say, the experience of writing this 'stuff') that I have with myself is conscious, since it is part of my available mind (I don't know the technical term, but available mind here is opposite to subconscious mind) and it will be recorded in writing as long as I don't completely lose my mind or google gets bankrupt. But what about past memories, how am I to determine if they were conscious to my past?

To me loss of memory is the loss of identity, the loss of self. I quite often use my own definition of identity over time, and see from my past memory, at some moment, the current experience of myself as determined by my theory about identity over time. But, because any proposed theory about identity over time must rest solely on memories, I can only deduce from the conscious subjects like friends, family etc which existed and had same or similar experiences of the events that I remember.

Therefore, the crux of all the thought is to highlight the importance of keeping a record of important events and keeping your friends and family close!